How to talk to a loved one about moving to assisted living

When your loved one needs more help as they age, it’s only natural to want them to be safe and supported. Often, this is someone who has always been there for you — a parent, grandparent, or other relative — and now you want to be there for them.

But telling a parent they need to move out of their home and into an assisted living community is always the most exciting conversation to have.

The good news is that the conversation doesn’t have to be awkward or doom-filled. In fact, it can be a great moment to talk about what your loved one wants for their future — what makes them feel fulfilled, connected, and safe, even when they need a little extra support.

Life in an assisted living community isn’t about giving up independence; it’s about enhancing your independence so you can live life your way.  

Assisted living is a type of long-term care for older adults who are mostly independent but may need support with one or more of the activities of daily living (ADLs), such as dressing, transferring, bathing, or the instrumental activities of daily living (IADLs), such as participating in social activities or doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning. An assisted living community is a residential setting where support is built in, and your day is yours to enjoy.

There are many types of assisted living communities that can offer different amenities and levels of care. It’s an ideal lifestyle for older adults who may want a more social lifestyle and need some assistance, but don’t require the 24/7 supervision of nursing care. 

As you research assisted living communities, you might be excited about the benefits that they offer your loved one. But it can be hard to know how to start the “are you ready to move to assisted living?” conversation. We’ve got some tips to help you out:  

If your loved one isn’t thrilled about the idea of assisted living, they’re not alone. Try putting yourself in their shoes. It’s a big change and leaving a familiar home can feel overwhelming — even when daily tasks aren’t as easy as they used to be. 

Start by asking them what they think of assisted living. When you understand what’s really behind their concerns—whether it’s worrying about independence, the fear of the unknown, or just not wanting to pack—you can approach the discussion with empathy and a game plan. It’s not about pushing them into a decision; it’s about figuring out what’s best — together.  

One of the most common concerns about moving to assisted living is the fear of losing autonomy and independence. Many older adults worry that moving into a community setting will mean giving up control over several areas of their lives, including: 

• Daily routines  

• Activities  

• Lifestyle   

While their concerns may be valid, it might help to reframe the conversation. For example, consider meals. Maybe cooking has become difficult or unsafe, or your loved one can no longer drive to the grocery store by themselves.

Are they truly independent if they’re relying on frozen dinners or skipping meals altogether? Or are they living more freely — and more fully — by being in a community that serves them nutritious meals every day? Sharing a different perspective may help address some of your loved one’s concerns. 

One of the great things about assisted living is that costs are typically all-inclusive — utilities, meals, apartments, activities, and transportation are all wrapped up in one bill.  

But the costs can be high. According to our latest Cost of Care survey data in 2024, the national monthly median cost of an assisted living community was $5,900. 

Your loved one may worry that assisted living is too expensive or that they’ll run out of money to afford it. Which is all the more reason to go over costs together. Having an honest discussion about finances and costs can help ease concerns and let you and your loved one make a plan that works. 

It’s completely normal for uncertainty to creep in when thinking about life in an assisted living community. Many older adults have misconceptions about these places — imagining them as dull, restrictive, or lacking in personal connection. 

So, try to take the mystery out of it. Helping your loved one explore different options and visiting communities together can demystify the experience and highlight the benefits.

Taking a tour of different assisted living communities is a great way to experience the lifestyle firsthand. As you plan your tour, try to visit when the community has an event or activity going on. This way your loved one can meet residents, get a feel for daily life, and ask questions in person. 

Moving to an assisted living community is a deeply personal decision for your loved one, and it’s important to respect any feelings or emotions that arise. The way you approach the conversation can make all the difference in how your loved one responds. 

As mentioned, many older adults fear losing their independence, so it's natural for them to be resistant or hesitant when the topic of assisted living arises. By leading with patience and empathy, you can create an environment where your loved one feels supported, not pressured. 

Make sure they know their well-being is your top priority and communicate that the goal is not to take away their control but to ensure they have the support they need every single day.   

Start by asking open-ended questions to better understand your loved one's thoughts and concerns. Give them space to share openly without interrupting and avoid making assumptions about how your older adult feels. 

Instead of jumping straight to solutions or advice, ask if it’s something they would consider. Take the time to listen carefully and validate your loved one’s emotions. Use phrases such as, “I understand why this is hard for you” or “It’s okay to feel unsure about this” to show that all feelings are heard and important.

Encourage them to talk with their physician or someone else they trust, such as friends, clergy, or an advisor.

By creating a safe space for open dialogue, you encourage your loved one to share any concerns about moving, allowing you to directly address specific fears or anxieties.    

At the end of the day, the decision about where and how to live is in your loved one’s hands. Rather than turning it into an ultimatum, approach the conversation to explore what’s best for your older adults’ well-being. Emphasize that you’re in this together and want to find a solution that works for everyone.  

This isn’t a decision that needs to be made overnight. Give your loved one space to process the idea of moving and revisit the conversation as needed. Be patient and supportive.

It can also help to remind your loved one that planning now can give them more choice and time to set up what care they want, rather than waiting for an emergency to happen and only having limited choices. 

So now you’ve got tips on how to have the conversation, but how do you start it? Try taking these steps:

• Step 1: Prepare yourself - Educate yourself about assisted living options, services, and benefits. Be ready to address their concerns or misconceptions.  

• Step 2: Talk with family first – If you have siblings or other close family members, discuss the situation with them beforehand. Aligning on key points and presenting a united front can help prevent confusion or conflicting messages.  

• Step 3: Choose the right time and setting – Find a calm, comfortable environment where you can talk without distractions. Avoid bringing the conversation up during a moment of stress; instead, choose a time when your loved one is relaxed and more open to discussion.  

• Step 4: Involve your loved one in the process – Frame the conversation as collaborative: “I want to explore options that will make things easier for you.” Acknowledge their independence and make it clear that their preferences matter.  

• Step 5: Express concern, not criticism – Focus on their well-being: “I’ve noticed it is getting harder for you to manage everything on your own, and I want you to be safe and comfortable.” Avoid making your loved one feel judged or pressured.  

• Step 6: Highlight the benefits – Emphasize how assisted living can improve their quality of life (less stress over daily chores, access to healthcare, opportunities for social interactions).  

• Step 7: Listen to their fears and concerns – Be patient and empathetic, even if there’s a negative reaction at first. Validate your loved ones’ emotions, such as fear of losing independence or attachment to their current home.  

• Step 8: Take it step by step – Suggest starting with a tour of a few communities or trying a short-term stay to see how your older adult feels. Give time to process the idea and avoid overwhelming your loved one with decisions.  

• Step 9: Bring in trusted support – If your loved one is resistant to the idea of moving to assisted living, having an outside perspective from someone trustworthy may help. Consider asking a doctor, friend, or counselor to join the conversation and share their advice.  

Above all, remember to create a safe space where your loved one feels comfortable sharing their concerns so you can address them directly.   

While staying home without assistance might seem like the easiest choice, it comes with a number of risks. Isolation, falls, and lack of proper nutrition can all pose serious threats to your loved one’s health and safety.  

Without proper supervision, there’s also a higher risk of medication errors, such as missed doses or interactions, which can be life-threatening. Poor nutrition, whether due to difficulty preparing meals or lack of appetite, can also take a toll on their overall health. 

Additionally, your loved one may become increasingly isolated, which can affect their emotional well-being.   

It’s important to take a moment to read that headline again. Would you want to be put somewhere against your will?

Your loved one should never be moved to an assisted living community against their will. It can have severe emotional, psychological, and physical consequences such as:

• Loss of trust and strained relationships - Forcing a move can damage the relationship between you and your loved one, creating feelings of betrayal and resentment that may be difficult to repair.  

• Emotional distress - The sense of losing control over their life and decisions can cause anxiety, depression, and feelings of abandonment.  

• Resistance to the new environment - A loved one who feels coerced is less likely to engage in the activities, community, and care available in assisted living, reducing its benefits and worsening their quality of life.  

• Impact on their sense of independence - Being moved against their will can strip them of their autonomy, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth and confidence.  

• Potential health decline - Emotional distress from the forced move may manifest in physical health issues, such as weight loss, sleep disturbances, or worsening of preexisting conditions.  

• Legal and ethical implications - If a loved one is mentally competent, forcing them into assisted living can violate their legal rights and autonomy, which could lead to legal challenges.  

• Lack of cooperation with caregivers - A loved one who feels forced into assisted living may be uncooperative with caregivers, making it harder to provide proper care.  

• Missed opportunity for collaboration - By not involving your older adult in the decision, you may miss out on understanding their fears, preferences, or compromises your loved one would be willing to make. 

While you may feel like you know what’s best for your loved one, you should never force them to move. Instead, use the tips and steps we’ve provided. An honest and open conversation can go a long way in getting the right care for your loved one. 

It’s important to remember that your parent or loved one is their own person with their own experiences, preferences, and goals. As you start a conversation about moving to an assisted living community, respect that they have a voice in their care. 

Talking about moving to an assisted living community is also not a decision made all at once. If the situation allows, give your loved one time to consider it as an option and ask them to think about it. Then check in again from time to time.

You can also visit assisted living communities on your own and talk to the people who work there. They will offer suggestions on how to talk to your loved one.