How to handle a sibling conflict over the care of an older adult parent

If you have siblings, you know that conflicts can happen for a number of reasons. It might even be easier to list how sibling conflicts don’t happen. 

When it comes to taking care of an older adult parent who needs care, everyone’s heart is usually in the right place. Conflicts can arise, however, when all the hearts involved have different ideas of what “the right place” actually looks like.  

Let’s take a look at some of the common reasons a conflict can arise over care for a loved one and how to navigate those conflicts, so your parent receives the care they need. 

Let’s start with some of the conflicts you might run into when you’re planning for care for your parent. 

Care decisions for a parent can be emotional, complicated, and ripe for differing opinions. Maybe one sibling wants to hire full-time care; another insists they can handle the bulk of caregiving themselves; and another doesn’t think extra help is needed at all. 

Different life experiences, comfort levels, and understandings of what care actually involves can make everyone feel like they’re at odds. 

But having different opinions doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it can be an opportunity to share perspectives and decide together what’s best for the parent who needs care.

From childhood to adulthood, your relationship with your siblings may be one of the longest relationships you’ll have throughout your life. Age differences, gender roles, and family experiences can influence how you relate to each other and how you make decisions together. 

While some sibling relationships might be more rocky than they are comforting, it can help to take a step back and examine your own role and boundaries when deciding to care for a parent.

Money can add pressure to almost any situation. Some siblings may feel they’re contributing more than others — whether financially, emotionally, or in the time spent caregiving. 

It can help to remember that caregiving is about the person who needs care and that every contribution — big and small — can be valuable.

As the adage goes: communication is key. Making unilateral decisions about a parent’s care, misunderstanding what one family member wants, or just not communicating at all can lead to conflict.  

The good thing about understanding how conflicts arise is that you can also learn how to navigate them. Here are some common ways to help you handle a sibling conflict over the care of a parent or avoid conflicts in the first place:

Start by getting your family together. It’s not always easy but be open, honest, and forthcoming about what you’re thinking and feeling. 

Deciding on care for a parent is a huge decision that can be emotional and challenging. A great way to face that decision is to put all your thoughts on the table. Let your siblings and your parent know what you’re thinking. This will also help you understand everyone’s availability, comfort level, and abilities. 

Once everyone has shared and acknowledged all viewpoints, then look at your parent’s situation. From there you can ask questions to start planning for aging care about the amount of care your parent needs and how to pay for it. 

Finding care for your parent is an important responsibility, and having a designated point person can help ensure care is coordinated, appointments are made, and your parent’s needs are met 

This doesn’t mean one person has to do all the work. Responsibilities can be shared but having one person oversee the process helps keep things organized and prevents important details from slipping through the cracks.

Having a central communication hub can make sure everyone is on the same page, especially if you, your siblings, and your parent are living in different places. Here are some tips to help you communicate as you plan care for your parent: 

• Set up regular family meetings or calls: Whether it’s weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, setting up a video call or a group phone call can keep everyone in regular contact. 

• Have a shared communication hub: This can look like a digital calendar, spreadsheet, or group text thread. It can help track tasks, caregiver shifts, appointments, and just about any other part of your parent’s care. 

• Establish clear roles and expectations: Define who’s doing what. Maybe not everyone can contribute equally, but everyone can be involved. 

Calling a family meeting, setting up roles and responsibilities, and keeping communication lines open are all great ways to avoid conflicts, but families can be complex and communication can break down. 

When that happens, it might feel like there’s no hope, but that often isn't the reality. There is support for your family. Here are some professionals who can help you reduce conflict and clarify plans for your parent’s care: 

• Mediator: An independent and neutral third party who is professionally trained to help negotiate agreements between two disputing parties. 

• Social worker: A professional who supports people, families, groups, and communities by connecting them to resources, providing counseling, and advocating for their rights. 

• Aging Life Care Expert: Also known as a geriatric care manager, these professionals help older adults and families who are at odds over care decisions. 

• Elder law attorneys: A legal professional who specializes in the legal needs and planning of older adults. 

• Primary care physician or nurse: Your parent’s main medical provider, whether that’s a doctor, nurse, or care manager may be able to help provide a medical perspective. 

To find professionals in your area you can: 

• Ask for personal referrals from friends or family 

• Search online directories through your state or local city and town websites 

• Contact your local court system, Area Agency on Aging, Council on Aging, or Senior Center which may be able to connect you to resources in your area 

• Contact your local Area Agency on Aging, Council on Aging, or Senior Center 

• Search online for an Aging Life Care Expert 

When adult children decide on care for an older adult it can often come from a place of love and compassion. But sometimes that desire to help can get lost among the stress or navigating care and managing other family relationships. 

If you’re the adult child providing care or you’re the point person, focus on the plan — getting your parent care that’s right for them. Don’t take on everything by yourself either. Let others help in whatever way they can. 

If you’re not the point person, take the time to recognize what they’re doing for your parent and offer support in whatever way you can. 

Your parent should always have a say in their care when possible. As you and your siblings look at aging care options such as adult day health, in-home care, or assisted living, make sure what they want and need is always the focus.