How to talk to your older adult parent about getting medical treatment

Hearing that a parent doesn’t want medical treatment can be difficult, but it can also open the door to important conversations. If they’re able to make their own decisions, the choice is theirs, and your support can still make a meaningful difference. Listening to their concerns, understanding what matters most to them, and talking through the options together can help your family move forward with greater confidence and understanding. 

Can you force your parent to see a doctor? 

The short answer is no.  

You can’t force someone who is of sound mind to receive medical help or treatment. If your parent is of sound mind and isn’t under someone else’s care, they have the legal right to refuse treatment, even if you or other relatives believe that treatment is in their best interest. 

Being too forceful may create distance in your relationship. The more you push your parent to do something against their will, the more resistance you may face. Pressure can also make it harder for them to trust you in the future. As difficult as it may be, your parent has the right to make their own choices. You can express your concerns and offer support without trying to control the decision. 

9 tips for when your aging parent refuses medical treatment 

Start by trying to understand why your parent is refusing treatment. Do they want to avoid more medication? Do they believe treatment will affect their quality of life? Are religious or cultural beliefs shaping their decision? Listening before responding can help you understand their position and make the conversation easier for everyone. 

1. Respect their choices.

If your parent is refusing medical treatment because of religious or cultural beliefs, don’t pressure them to make a decision that goes against their core values. Respecting their choice may help your family avoid unnecessary conflict and keep the focus on supporting your parent. 

2. Keep communication open.

Talk with your parent about their medical care preferences, including any palliative or hospice treatments they may want. Ask questions, listen carefully, and make sure you understand what matters to them. Ideally, these conversations should happen well before palliative or hospice care becomes necessary. Ask whether there is a family caregiver or relative they trust to make decisions on their behalf if needed. 

3. Respect their autonomy.

It's hard to watch a parent make decisions you don’t support, particularly when you’re worried about their health. Your role is to respect their choices while offering guidance. Your parent may resist because they feel they’re losing control when relatives try to make decisions for them. Recognizing that concern may help you protect their sense of autonomy. 

4. Be honest with your parent.

Although you may believe your parent would benefit from receiving care, they may feel fearful or be in denial about their needs. If they have a mental health condition, be honest when discussing the available care options. An option may not be favorable to your parent, but assisted living may be the best recommendation for their situation. Without pressuring your parent, clearly express your concerns and keep an open mind as you listen. Remind them that you love and support them and want to help them find a sustainable path forward. 

5. Communicate sooner rather than later.

Don’t wait for a crisis to discuss your parent’s wishes. Starting sooner gives you time to understand their preferences without the pressure of an urgent situation. Write down any treatment preferences they have while they can still discuss those wishes with you and their health care team. Consulting a geriatrician may help you understand which care services are available for your parent’s needs and medical conditions. If your parent doesn’t currently have a geriatric care team, this may be the time to obtain one and begin discussing their needs. 

6. Prepare the paperwork.

If you’re the legal proxy for your aging parent, make sure you have all necessary paperwork in place before a crisis. Preparing these documents early gives everyone time to discuss your parent’s wishes. The paperwork may include an advance directive¹ or health care power of attorney form. These documents identify who should make medical decisions for your parent if they can no longer do so themselves. If your family hasn’t discussed these forms, start a conversation so everyone understands your parent’s wishes for medical treatment. Paperwork can vary by state so make sure you check your local laws and regulations. 

7. Consider all available options.

There may be more than one way to approach a health concern. If your parent is worried about the cost of treatment or care, help them look into other insurance options, such as Medicare and Medicaid. If your parent is uncomfortable with change or reluctant to see unfamiliar health care providers, ask their primary care physician to introduce other specialists and methods of care. A familiar physician may make the transition feel more manageable. Responding to your parent’s concerns with relevant suggestions can help them make a more informed decision. 

8. Avoid arguments about care.

Your parent’s care matters deeply, but arguing about their choices or directing your frustration toward them may make the situation harder. Anger can leave them feeling isolated or pressured into a decision that isn’t their own. Be patient, continue listening, and look for room to compromise when possible. 

9. Suggest home health care.

Home health services may not replace a doctor, but they can still provide valuable support for your parent. Home health care may include nurses as well as occupational, respiratory, and speech therapists. These trained professionals can perform blood draws, check glucose levels, and care for wounds and injuries. Depending on your parent’s needs, you can also consider hiring a professional caregiver to help with daily tasks and provide additional assistance at home. 

Helping an aging parent make major decisions about their health and daily life can be difficult and time-consuming. You may not agree with every choice they make, but empathy, understanding, and honest communication can make the journey easier for both of you. Start by listening to your parent’s concerns, discussing their wishes before a crisis, and identifying one practical next step together.