How to help your parent through the loss of a spouse

Losing a spouse is devastating at any age. For an older adult, the way they navigate that loss can affect their health and well-being. Your loved one's grief can have serious consequences if it goes unaddressed. One study conducted by the Harvard School of Public Health found that surviving spouses over age 50 had a 66% higher risk of death in the first three months after losing their spouse.¹

As you grieve about the loss of your mother or father, you may also be trying to support your surviving parent. At times, you may need space to process your own grief, recharge, and care for yourself. That’s understandable. Helping your parent through their loss can support their health and well-being, but it it's also important to take of yourself too. Here are a few ways you can be beside them during this difficult time.

What happens when a parent loses a spouse in assisted living

Losing a spouse while living in an assisted living community can bring unique challenges. Couples often have larger living areas, and after one partner dies, your parent may need to move into a smaller space. Even a move within the same community can add more stress while your parent is grieving. Let your parent know you can talk with staff to learn how long they have to move, and work together to make the transition as manageable as possible.

You may also want to ask whether the community offers specific support for widows and widowers. Bereavement groups, counseling, and other forms of support may be readily available on-site. Staff members can also work with you to watch for signs of ongoing grief or depression after your parent’s loss.

Understand that grieving is a process

Grieving is a process, and it takes time. It may move from initial shock into anger, denial, a sense of loss, and eventually acceptance. However, many people experience these feelings repeatedly or in a different order. Losing a spouse is a profoundly difficult and emotional experience, and your parent may need time to reach a place of acceptance.

Talk with your loved one and ask what they need. Maybe it’s your company or maybe it’s space to be alone. Just let them know you’re there when they need you.

Anticipate grief triggers and offer support

Grief triggers can be everywhere, particularly during the first year after a spouse dies. Your parent may face the anniversary of their first date, their wedding anniversary, the first birthday without their spouse, and the first holidays after the loss.

With so many firsts, your parent may need additional support during those times. Try to anticipate these moments so you or someone else in their care circle can be there to offer extra help.

Although the first year can be difficult because of all its “firsts,” continue supporting your parent as they enter the second year after their loss. For many widows and widowers, the second year can be even harder to navigate. Your parent may no longer feel the same shock or numbness as they adjust to their new reality. That can leave more room for one of the most painful parts of losing a spouse: missing them.

Grief doesn’t really have an expiration date. Take time to continue checking in with your parent. Ask how they’re doing, talk about their feelings, and remind them that you’re there to support them through this new stage of grief.

Help your parent avoid big decisions

Making decisions can be especially challenging after losing a spouse. A phenomenon commonly called “widow brain” or “grief brain” has been observed in people who are grieving.

Brain imaging studies of people who are grieving have shown increased activity across a large network of neurons.² These areas are associated with mood, memory, conceptualization, perception, and even regulation of the heart and other organs. These findings show the significant effect loss can have on the brain and the rest of the body.

This doesn’t mean you should treat your parent as though they’re helpless. But you can support them and help them avoid making quick major decisions during the first few months after this life-changing loss.

Give your parent someone to talk to

It’s important to give your grieving parent opportunities to talk about their spouse. Listen as they tell stories and share memories. You probably share many of those same memories, and reminiscing with you may bring comfort.

You might also suggest that your parent join a bereavement group for widows and widowers. Check with local agencies, religious communities, and hospitals to learn whether they offer support groups for people who have lost a spouse. If your parent can’t easily leave home, an online bereavement group can help them connect with others.

Watch for signs of continuing grief

Even if your parent seems to recover quickly, appearances can be deceiving, and they may still be struggling. Watch for signs of continuing grief, which can include:

• Disorganization: Starting another task before finishing the first one.

• Difficulty concentrating: Your parent may have trouble focusing long enough to watch a television show or read a book.

• Lack of motivation or interest: They may question their purpose or wonder why they should take an interest in anything.

• Forgetfulness: Misplacing items, forgetting medications, or mailing unsigned checks may indicate that your parent is having trouble focusing.

Sadness is a normal response after your parent loses a spouse, but it’s also important to watch for depression. Signs of depression in older adults can include:³

• Suicidal thoughts

• Feelings of worthlessness

• Lack of appetite

• Overindulgence in food or alcohol

• Feelings of low self-esteem

• Feelings of guilt

• Unusual obsessive-compulsive behavior

• Irritability

• Restlessness

• Difficulty concentrating

• Physical aches and pains

• Sleep problems

• Withdrawal

• Crying spells

• Fatigue

Depression may put your parent at greater risk for other health problems, including heart disease. If you notice these symptoms, help your parent get the professional support they need.

Life after the loss of a spouse is a journey, and you can help your parent navigate the new path ahead.

Nothing will take away their grief, but your compassion and support remain important to their health and well-being. Be ready to listen, anticipate possible triggers, and recognize when it’s time to seek professional help. As you care for your parent, remember to give yourself time and space to grieve your own loss, too.︎